….stopping yourself

….It’s like a jungle sometimes…it makes me wonder how I keep from going under…

[and then ignore all lyrics after]

Hey folks!

Has anyone else felt like they’re failing miserably? In parenting? In caring for yourself? In life?

I truly have felt like I’m sinking most days and I’ve felt awful about it because Ky gets the brunt of it. She gets less and less of me it seems…even though we’ve literally spent EVERY SINGLE DAY together since March 12th. And let’s not even get into my depression…

And so with all this guilt, I just end up buying her things that will make her happy–temporarily of course–and hopefully some energy could be mustered up to “deal” with her.

Sounds awful, doesn’t it? That I think having interaction with my child as daunting?

Well why should I feel guilty for having these thoughts sometimes? Why is it not healthy for me to acknowledge them rather than bury it somewhere? I never understood why it is in our maternal instincts to think of ourselves last. We sacrifice –and most may hate that word…but let’s call a spade, a spade– our bodies, lives, time, and sometimes happiness so that our little people [and spouses?– I know nothing of this world of course] can have it instead.

There have been plenty of times I was low on funds, low in just spirits, and STILL wanted to give Kylie something….ANYTHING…to make her smile that day or call me the best whatever.

Why do we do that?

WHY do I do that?

I asked myself this question for a majority of this quarantine. Why do I feel guilty when I decide to treat myself rather than make my kid happy for a little while? Why should I feel guilt when I feel like I’ve been a “bad” mom and want to make up for it?

Am I not allowed to have a few bad days? Am I not allowed to be frustrated?

Well lately, I’ve decided to kill of that noise. I turned to myself [and myself said “hmm?”] and decided not to feel guilty for having plenty of “bad” mommy moments.

Splurge A Little

I’m in no way a fancy, name brand kind of girl, but I do have some vices when if comes to food, jewelry, clothes, shoes, and lotions. And so I have indulged when I can. Do I get Ky something every time? Sometimes. but only if she absolutely needs something or I think she could benefit from it. I always thought that if I got something for myself, then I should get Ky something. Definitely had to kill that minds4t. No more splurging and then having to clean the mess of it all anymore.

Conversations

One thing I wished my parents had done more was talk to us when they were in a bad mood, instead of lashing out at us. So I try my best to do that with Ky. I let her know that I need space, a moment, when I don’t feel like talking, or when I need to speak with a grown up because I speak with little people ALL day. I don’t know if she understands. But she say’s ok and asks for an alternative thing for her to do. Hopefully this developments into something healthy she can do with me….[’cause Lord knows I’m dreading the teen years].

Reality Check

I have to check myself often.

You are not a bad mom. You are going through a tough time. You are not getting a break and it’s weighing on you. Breathe. Relax. She will be fine and you will be fine. You are doing your best. Remember that.

We all do it when we’re getting on ourselves because we feel like we’re failing as parents. But there is no guide for this thing. We are ALL winging it and giving our best shot at it. If Ky is alive, healthy, and content (because sometimes she just might not always be happy)…that’s a win in my book of parenting.

What’s the win in yours?

-Ash