…change

So I cut my hair….

I know, I know…I’m always doing something and can’t sit still. But I think I needed it. I needed a change I could control, fully.

The months of July and August were just filled with so much change and me just rolling with the punches because that’s what I’m supposed to do…right? I feel like I’m always supposed to roll with the punches…

There were three other times that I decided to cut my hair….my sophomore year of college, transitioning out of my permed state, and because I was going through postpartum shredding. At the time of those cuts, other changes were happening as well.

The first time I cut my hair, I found out I was pregnant and decided to have an abortion, my father, boyfriend, and coach were all going through health issues, and I was struggling in my courses and on the Track. This isn’t me, were my thoughts. I didn’t even recognize myself this year. *insert change*

When I decided to cut my permed hair, I wasn’t able to go to school to finish up my last year, I was lost spiritually, was still trying to get over my father’s passing two years prior, pretty sure I was in a depressive state (I was drinking and going out OFTEN), and my relationship with my mom & brother wasn’t the best. *insert big chop change*

The third time I decided to cut my hair I couldn’t live in my studio apartment, daycare fees were tearing me up, I was going through my first few months alone with a newborn/infant, T.O.P and I were not on the same page [or even talking] and my hair was falling out in clumps anyway. *insert massive need to change*

All things I didn’t feel like I had control over, but accepted and handled in stride because I didn’t have any other choice [in my mind, anyway].

This time…COVID happened in the midst of me starting a new grade, I was over living in my place–mainly because COVID forced me to teach from my bedroom, Ky needed a space since I wasn’t willing to travel outside, I decided to do locs because [MAYBE] it would be one less thing to think about, after Mack I really didn’t feel the same (I can admit now that I was upset by it), I needed money…so Summer School…and dang it, COVID is still happening 5 months later…..*insert shears in hand*

I feel like a haircut has always symbolized a change coming for me though:

After the first cut, I was able to be with my dad when he passed, I failed bunch of classes, I quit track and lost my scholarship, and broke up with my boyfriend. Not happy changes, but life changing enough to wake me up.

My second cut: I found a church that I was comfortable in, became active, worked several jobs to help me get back into school and eventually returned back to graduate Cum Laude.

The third cut: I became serious about getting a car—which I did—and having some financial stability for Ky and I in finding a place I could afford—which I did!

So maybe cutting my hair this time will spark some change I wasn’t serious about before or push for change that needed to happen to awaken something in me. Being a better/stronger teacher…mom…women…going to grad school…writing a book…a house in the near future…COVID ending…something…

We shall see…

-Ash