…being aware

Then: I wrote this back in May, but couldn’t bring myself to publish for whatever “writer’s block” reason.

By now if you’ve been following my journey, you’d know I deal with some [self-diagnose] depression (or anxiety as my physician loosely diagnosed me). And during this quarantine I have been trying to deal with this as best as I can. I’ve gone out and exercised some, had [social-distancing] picnics, walked around the neighborhood, picked up some hobbies but mostly I’ve laid in the bed when I just “can’t” anymore.

What I didn’t think of was Ky…

Lately, I’ve noticed that Ky has been asking to speak with T.O.P/family/friends more, can easily get upset by things that seem minimal (ex: a fork dropping on the floor), and has been asking a lot about tomorrows (that may be a little person thing…but still…)

Calling for T.O.P: I’m not against Ky wanting to call him. Actually, I think it’s great that she wants to reach out to him more [*no sarcasm…well not much…inserted here*]. But it almost seems like she HAS to talk to him. I’m not sure what to think except that I’m not doing my part, socially. Honestly, I haven’t been in the mood to talk to her. I’ve run out of things to say every time she shows me her dolls, legos, tells me she’s almost done eating…every…5…seconds. Like my mommy and teacher toolbox is running dry. So talking to other people seems healthy for both us. However I’m trying to be understanding of others. If I’m tired of my kid [and just exhausted from everything else this quarantine has brought], I can only imagine how others may be feeling. So every now and again I force myself to do more. That may sound awful, but hey…

More and More Tears: Ky is usually dramatic (I guess I’m her mother after all), but lately every little thing has led to tears. Lately she has developed a routine for bed: comes in my room for numerous hugs and questions, gets in her bed, gets out of the bed to ask me to read a story, gets back in the bed, gets out the bed because she forgot something (her doll, to brush her teeth, to get water, etc.), gets back in the bed, gets out the bed because she wants to pray, gives more hugs and kisses, a “handshake” she came up with, back in the bed, hums/sings something loudly, and then drifts to sleep.

Doesn’t sound too bad or annoying, right? I promise it gets a bit much when you’re already on edge. But if I alter anything in this new routine of hers, *tears*. I mean, is it really that bad if I don’t want to read her longest, wordiest book in its entirety? Or if it’s already getting too late (like 2a) and I tell her to stop humming so loudly? Or if I don’t want to answer a million questions because she had ALL day to asked them and didn’t?

I get a routine is important to her. Another reason why I’m trying to put on my “good mommy” role with that as well…

Tomorrow, Tomorrow: “Can we have a dance party tomorrow?” “Can we go for a walk tomorrow?” “Can you call my dad tomorrow?” ” Can I have a snack tomorrow?” “Can I play with my dolls tomorrow?” “Can I wear a dress tomorrow?” “Can I have a bagel tomorrow?”

There isn’t much I’m saying no to but I have told her to ask me again in the morning. I guess I understand that the uncertainty of what tomorrow brings because we’ve been doing the same thing every day for months…but I’m not sure what to do here. Most days I don’t want to do anything let alone make a plan for things to possibly do for/with Ky. I tried at the beginning of all of this, but it gets exhausting fast. I thought staying home wouldn’t be as bad as working with 19 kindergarteners…but no. It’s equally exhausting.

So occasionally I’ll let Ky know of something we can do tomorrow [just the ONE thing] and sometimes I let her know of something she can do with me really having to interact or put much energy to. For the moment, she’s content…less stressed…less upset.

Quarantining with a little person, I forget about her mental health as well. She gets sad about having to stay indoors, not being able to see anyone in person, and all while dealing with a mother who isn’t completely “there“. But we’re both trying. That’s what matters.

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Update: July

Now that our state has somewhat opened up, we are getting out more….safely, of course. We’ve gone to more picnics, hung out with friends, and she was even able to start back up dance class.

Although we won’t be able to celebrate Ky’s birthday like she would want, we will host a virtual party instead; and she will still be able interact with all those she loves.

She seems happier these days, back to normal-ish. She’s writing more, REALLY into building with legos, and playing with her dolls.

-Ash