Posted in Single Parent

…a nightmare

I had THE hardest time sleeping earlier this week thinking about this helicopter accident. I’m not a basketball fan or anything, but the accident with the Bryants, Altobellis, Chesters…my heart is just breaking for all of them. I couldn’t imagine, in my worst nightmares, what they endured in those last moments or how their families are feeling…but it stirred some nightmares in me….

As a parent…

I’m sure we all have our fears about our children passing before us (…or leaving our children too soon), I know I do. I’m not sure if that’s my worst fear or not, but I definitely think about it. As you all know, my dad passed a few weeks shy of my 20th birthday and not to say that’s a reasonable time or not…but I was grateful to at least have him in my life for as long as I did. Now I only have pictures, a few videos, and memories to remember him by.

One of my fears is leaving Ky while she’s young and where she would end up after. I’ve thought about having a will, just in case because I’m slightly paranoid [and read way too many horror stories]. But ultimately, I just want her to remember me and hopefully those memories fill a void she doesn’t have to go looking for. Occasionally, I write her emails/letters, take photos/videos, give her things that will remind her of me, share experiences with her…just so she will have pieces of me forever.

My daughter

Another fear: losing Ky.

The thought alone brings me to tears. I can hardly even think about it. Like my life has completely changed because of her. She’s apart of my norm. I don’t know who I would be without her (and I really don’t care to find out). I commend and am in awe of parents who lose their children and still manage to keep living. Like…how? Where do you find the strength? How do you gather up yourself everyday…to keep going?

A nightmare…

I read something –on social media, of course– that disturbed me. It was something along the lines of imagining having to comfort your child knowing what’s to come for both of you.

And I haven’t stopped crying since.

I’ve had moments like that [and I’ve never been in any situation remotely close] where I feel like I’m mentally/emotionally preparing myself….just in case. Like if I ever found us in a situation I couldn’t help us from, what would I do? How could I handle it? It’s tormenting. So to just have that visual [and be as thought-obsessive as I am], I just couldn’t sleep this week.

I think that may be my worst fear.


Usually any deaths that happen around me, I never really take well. This one though, was a different type of hurt. I guess it’s because of the combination of being a parent, all the families involved, and the families left to grieve. The first thing I did was pray and then I just continued to pray for the next couple of days.

Death can be humbling. It makes you realize that saying [“Life it too short.”] is more than a saying. It makes you reevaluate life, relationships, actions…and think is it really worth it?

For me, it’s very much scary (even being a Christian)…moreso now that I have Ky. Before I just worried about leaving my family behind, but I knew they would be fine-ish. With Ky…I don’t know. And that’s scary to me.

For now, I’ll try not to let my thought-obsessiveness…fears….take over….and just live…

 

families2

…to be absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord…

Rest in Paradise

 

-Ash

Author:

30. Single Mom. Teacher. Procrastinator. Lazy Maid. Personal Preschooler Cook. Born & Raised in NY. Existing Somewhere in NC.

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