Posted in Single Parent

…falling and getting back up

So here it goes…

I met Mack at a party last Spring…when I was on my “mama needs to get out!” tour. I was a hot sweaty mess [because….dancing] and he was the only guy dancing because…my generation of guys suck.

googly eyesAnyway, he asked me to dance. He seemed shy about asking for my number; so I took his and put mine in it. I didn’t think much to come from our interaction because he wasn’t my type *in my Saweetie voice*. But we went out to eat after and had a bunch of convos. Our earliest one that made me like him a lot was about the birth of his daughter and how he held her and prayed over her while doctors tended to his daughter’s mom (not baby mama, not that “b”…he’s always shown respect for her, even in disagreements).

 

And that brings us here…in 2020…

As a single mama dating, there are so many things that run through my head: will he treat Ky nicely?, will his baby mama be crazy?, is he hung up on his baby mama? does he like kids? does he want more kids?

And with Mack, a lot of those questions didn’t really come up as often because it was just apart of our everyday conversation. Like who has those anymore?! Conversations?! Like middle school, stay on the phone, sometimes we have nothing to talk about, “you hung first” “no you hung up first” conversations. I mean I’ve “dated” some real weirdos, psychos, and narcissists dudes. So immediately, I’m like let me lock dude down and see where this goes.

It doesn’t. For a lot of reasons. A few I respect and the rest I’m just like “ok…” because what else is there to say.

But in dealing with Mack, I have grown so much….learned so much about myself in this “dating-ish” thing:

What are you thinking?

One thing I liked about Mack was that he wouldn’t let me just say “fine…” He learned reeeeeally quick that fine didn’t really mean fine. And so he always asked me after “What are you thinking?”

Excuse me, what?! You’re asking about my thoughts?! For why?! Why come?! What kind of voodoo…

Does this give you a gist of the type of guys I was dating-ish?

I would tell him “nothing“. Mack wasn’t the type to let things go and after a day with children working my nerves, I was definitely not in the mood to talk. However, I also learned reeeeeally quickly he wasn’t going to let up until I talked to him.

Then it became our thing; how we got to know each other more.

For this mama, I hate talking (unless I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine…ha!). I do it allllll day. But talking to him, I realized how intimate talking can be…and I don’t mean phone sex. Just regular ole, random ass conversation. In person. On the phone.

It felt like someone was listening to me–and as a mom of a 4 year old and a teacher in this country…I don’t get that much. It created this space for me to speak freely to someone and not feel judged for thinking about my haunting dream involving 2D and 3D shapes following me from 3 nights ago.

It. was. nice.

Communicating My Needs

kim-kardashian1

This was always a struggle for me when talking to anyone. That “what do you need?” question always sends me into a slight panic.

What do I need? WHAT DO I NEED? I DON’T KNOW WHAT I NEED? WHAT DOES ANYONE NEED? WHY ARE YOU PRESSURING ME??

But I was getting to a point where I wasn’t getting what I needed and being that Mack and I talked so much, I felt comfortable expressing that to him. You would think communicating a hug being needed every now and then wouldn’t be asking for much.

That and the dreadful “where is this going?” question.

Have I said how much guys suck yet in this post??

Guys. Suck.

While Mack had his great qualities, he was also flawed. The signals I was getting from him were a misread on my end. I thought we would be going somewhere. We went out on dates (if you want to include binge watching shows and eating chicken in my bed a date!). Hang out on my fire escape and talk about life. Took our little girls to the park. So, ya know…in my mind…dating-ish things.

Well, he was basically needing time (however, wanting all the “benefits”). And so when this was communicated by me to him…we went our separate ways…once…or twice…but eventually realized we actually fell for each other.

Knowing your worth

I fell for him…more than I intended to…wanted to. To the point where I thought this is it for me…I’m finally done with the searching…with this dating stuff…

laughing.jpg

If my life was ever that easy, I wouldn’t have anything to write about!

Soooooo about the fourth or fifth time of us getting whatever we were together, I told him that I needed more. I couldn’t continue this [I’m sure yall are brilliant souls that can read in between that] and act like I was fine. I wasn’t trying to be his little friend anymore.

I’ve said those same words to him more times than I care to admit here and he still couldn’t give me an answer…or rather I didn’t want to accept his “no answer” as an answer.

It was getting to the point where I told him I loved him (I KNOW, I KNOW….I. KNOW. Let me live this one down!) but I couldn’t put myself through this.

And that’s big for me. HUGE. Because I’m the “it’s fine” girl. I don’t discuss my feelings. I don’t communicate. And I don’t say I love you to anyone [that isn’t family or friends, of course].

It’s always…fine.

Experiences

At this point I haven’t spoken to Mack in a little while. Usually that would upset me. But I’m surprisingly in great spirits (even with no prospects…oooorrrr backsliding….growth!). But I think the reason is because I’ve been reflecting.

I suck at dating. Before Ky and especially now. Mack wasn’t my usual type that I went for. And even though we never really dated in the sense of the word (but more dating-ish than in my past), I really have to thank him. I’ve learned middle school phone conversations is still blossoming. Communicating is not the demon seed of my generation. Expressing what I want and understanding I’m not in the wrong for wanting it, is fine.

All in all, I think the best way to explain this dating-ish encounter is to say:

experience gained.

 

-Ash

Author:

30. Single Mom. Teacher. Procrastinator. Lazy Maid. Personal Preschooler Cook. Born & Raised in NY. Existing Somewhere in NC.

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