***Late Post Alert***
I started writing this a couple of months ago and told myself I needed to get it out before this decade ended!
Lately I have been in the BIGGEST rut in all aspects of my life. And the motivation to write has declined (as you all can tell.)
I have been feeling unmotivated, lazy, and the only thing that sounds appealing these days is laying in the bed while staring off into the distance. Nothing significant happen. I just don’t wanna.
I don’t wanna eat.
I don’t wanna work.
I don’t wanna parent.
I don’t wanna deal with my kid; let alone others’.
I don’t wanna shower.
I don’t wanna go to church.
I don’t wanna be around people.
I don’t wanna smile.
I don’t wanna write.
I don’t wanna cook.
I don’t wanna go outside.
And I don’t wanna talk about it.
I’m sure I know where it’s all stemming from. But I hate that I can’t do much about it. I’m just unmotivated and I feel like it’s affecting Ky.
All the emotions I’m going through, I feel like she’s getting; and I feel helpless that I can’t do more. Like I physically, emotional, mentally…can…not. I feel like the worst parent. All I do is give her my phone or iPad and just sit in the dark in my room. Not scrolling. Not talking to anyone. Not reading or writing. Nothing. I just send her off until she says she’s hungry or wants a snack.
How shitty is that? What kind of parenting is that?
I think the lack of connection between us has made her irritable, whiny, and has brought on so much of her tantrums.
And what do I do? Close and lock my door, hide under my comforter and pillows until she’s settle.
Basically, I’m hiding from my kid; my 4 year old.
I don’t know if it’s all the new factors this year (new grade, Ky being 4 and in school) mixed in with the old ones (fatigue from single motherhood and just teaching in general), but ya girl is struggling!
And I’m absolutely refusing to talk about it; to ANYONE. Even when my friends are dying for me to say something, I just don’t wanna.
I keep thinking that this may be something I need to just get through. Maybe not wanting to do anything can be a good thing for someone who is used to be on the move. I teach, Ky has dance class, we have events at church, or we’re doing some activity with friends. Rarely do I practice the word “No”. And maybe my mind, body, and spirit all had a conversation to shut down. Maybe shutting down and “not wanting to…” is everything in me saying “No!”; I need to be a lot more selfish…maybe even disgustingly unmotivated to even think to do anything else.
And Ky? As reeeeeally selfish as this is going to come off, she will be just fine without me. I need to funk through whatever I’m going through so I can be a mother to her. Hopefully the funk doesn’t last…
I’m still in a mild funk but I’ve really been trying to push myself to get out more and answer calls. Its been trying. I hate it. I really need a whole day to recuperate from being “ok“. But I think it’s part of the reason why I’m slowly getting out of whatever this is.
But I’m writing again. So….yay.