…let’s talk about “it” (late post)

Let’s talk about abortion…

I’ve had one and for awhile I was ashamed of it because it wasn’t something I wanted to go through with but felt like I had to. During that time I was going through so much that if I hadn’t done it, I’m sure stress would have caused me to miscarry. But that wasn’t my reasoning. I saw this as my “out“. I was young and stupidly in love with my then boyfriend, was an athlete in a completely different state, with my family going through financial and health struggles. My thought process was I would be ridiculous (and maybe even a bit selfish) to go through with a pregnancy I thought I could handle.

So our parents helped us go through with it.

When it came to my pregnancy with Ky, instinctively, that was the direction I had originally planned; another out.  Not because of stress or the situation. But because of fear. I am terrified of the unknown. How could I raise this child? Would I even survive labor? What do I even do? I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t bring a little person into this world. I just started my career, moved to a new state…plus this was a slip up…a horribly, gone wrong, slip up.

I had it in my mind to get an abortion. It would have been the easier option.

Of course I didn’t go through with it. But I wouldn’t fault anyone else who had those same thoughts and went through with it. If raising a kid has taught me anything….if single motherhood has taught me anything…it’s I’m the sole decision maker. Yes, I have a village but when it comes down to it, I make all choices for myself and my kid…or unborn.

I try to change my mindset when it comes to talking about my abortion because I, personally, don’t want to view it as something shameful I’ve done. At the time, I thought it was the right choice. And yea, folks can argue about precautions, blah blah blah…but it happened to me and I knew–or rather, sensed– the struggle that would happen if I chose to having a kid then.

Strange to say…but I think, then, I was strong enough to handle making and going through with my decision to have an abortion than to go through with a pregnancy. When I made the decision to have Ky, I had a pros and cons list (I know, I know….that’s how I was able to process). And although the cons outweighed the pros, one “pro” weighed heaviest: I got this.

I have my moments and sometimes motherhood is absolute trash, but I don’t regret it. I don’t regret my abortion. Nor do I regret not having one.

I wish most folks saw it that way and left women to make their own choices…

….and shut the hell up.

-Ash