Now that the day has passed and my eyes are dry, I can talk about my dad without feeling so emotional.
So the 10th would have been my dad’s 58th Birthday and this year makes 10 years since his passing. And for whatever reason, this year hit me the hardest.
When I was pregnant with Ky, I think I mostly came to terms with my dad not being around for the big things (ex: births, graduations, weddings, etc.). By then, he had already transitioned for almost 5 years.
But this year…just hit me so hard for whatever reason.
If you didn’t know, I am/was a huge daddy’s girl (I still have a hard time discussing what tense to put him in…but I discuss him here). After his passing I was just…a mess; but appearing to have it altogether because I still had to represent him, ya know. But I was a mess. I broke up with my boyfriend at the time (who I later found out had ask my dad to marry me), my grades were traaaaaaaaaash (like under 2.0gpa), I had quit track in the middle of the season, and I was loose in these streets…if you know what I mean.
I know none of that shouldn’t solely be the result of me losing him…but it was. He kept me straight for the most part…or called anyone near me to keep me straight.
And now I feel like that all over again; a little lost…a little less in control…A LOT emotional. I think this feeling is brought on more because I started dating someone (Don’t worry! We will discuss it!) and navigating through this…”relationship”…I feel like I need a fatherly touch.
Wow…I don’t think I have one of those…
A “fatherly” figure…
Maybe that kind of hit me hard to. Who is my fatherly figure to turn to about relationships, men, etc.? I mean I have older male cousins, uncles, former coaches…but no one I would think to run to for advice on those types of topics.
Kind of sad when I think about it…
How do you even go about that; building positive male relationships without some man thinking you’re so desperate for their companionship because of single motherhood?
And am I even at the age where I can build one of those? Not to call myself old, but…
All the questions…ugh. Navigating life without my dad is frustrating sometimes. I overthink everything involving guys (mainly because they suck…)
I always wonder how Ky would do…I mean…Not to say she doesn’t have that figure present…
But when she’s older –because I’m sure she’s not phased by it now– who will she feel comfortable going to? Hopefully me, sometimes…however I can’t help her with everything. That’s how I feel about my mom. She’s been ok to go to about venting but anything dealing with the opposite sex, I think we’re both just winging it at this point. I’m glad Ky has an uncle and godfather to also turn to if and when she needed them (although I’m sure they wouldn’t be much help and would place a chastity belt on her instead). I just hope she doesn’t react like how I did…am…I don’t know.
I guess I just overthink these kinds of things when it comes to both of us. However, one thing that always stands true…no matter what I’m obsessing over, what I may think I’m lacking, my unjustifiable fears for Ky’s future…
God’s got us.
Always.
-Ash
Being A Mom Means 