I yelled at Ky in front of a phone call she had with T.O.P. And I didn’t just yell…I cussed at her.
I know, I know….voices of her inner me….affects it will have….use positive language….
Yes, I know.
But–and it’s no excuse–…but in the moment, being annoyed, repeating myself a million times a day as it is, probably feeling hormonal from an upcoming cycle….I wasn’t thinking. I just reacted.
Why little people feel the need to touch things after you tell them not to a bazillion times, is beyond me…
And T.O.P attempted to correct me…
Sir, you do not get to tell me how I talk to my child and you don’t know how to have a conversation with her! You are not with her daily! You have no idea WHAT the hell I’m going through! SO BACK OFF!
….was what I wanted to say.
But instead I went with, “Don’t you even start!” and left it at that.
Yea, I was wrong for lashing out at him too (BUT rarely have I ever….so it was long overdue in my book!). I mean really how dare he?! You just joke with her; never have to discipline her…and you think you can correct me the ONE time you see me have a mini meltdown?!
Oh how easy it is to be the fun parent!
Am I not allowed to feel my feelings and be wrong sometimes?! When I say this side of me hardly ever pokes its ugly head, I mean rarely. I’m most likely know as the “I’m/It’s fine” friend. Most days I’m calm through my annoyance…On my worst days, I’m deadly silent or a one word killer.
I feel like as a mom, I’m not allowed to have ugly moments. I mean people say it’s “ok” to have one but when we do, we’re immediately judged for it.
How could you think that about your child? // How could you say that? // Why would you do this?? // Who does that??
…you can catch these slick words too!
The one thing I try to correct myself on –because I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO SHOULD— is apologizing to Ky. It may take me a minute and she may not even remember why I’m doing it. But I apologize more often than not; something I don’t think happen to me often–if at all– when I was little. Sometimes I even explain what was going through my mind when I blow up because I think it’s important to have these conversations with her. I’m not perfect…I want her to see that…understand it. Maybe when she’s older, we can talk about other ways I could have handle myself better than just yelling/cussin to get my point across (ya know….the teacher in me).
I also correct her when she says “it’s ok” because plenty of times, it’s not. I don’t want her to get into the habit of saying things are “ok” when they are most definitely not (I still struggle with this). So Ky has also gotten into a habit of telling me that I’ve hurt her feelings when I yell at her.
Let me explain this again…
MY 4 YEAR OLD CAN ARTICULATE HER FEELINGS IN THE MOMENT BETTER THAN YOU CAN!
I am still shook by this. And it’s one of the main reasons I’ve made a conscious effort to explain myself to my 4 year old about my feelings and to admit when I’m wrong.
Now if only I could keep that same energy with adults…