Always late I am : D
Forgive me folks! I have been finishing up the school year and recovering from cleaning (WHY/HOW DO WE ACCUMULATE SO MUCH STUFF?!), workshops (WHO TOLD ME TO KEEP LEARNING?!), and Summer School (YA’LL REALLY NEED TO PAY TEACHER MORE….).
Anyhoot, Father’s Day has always been hard for me. I lost my dad 10 years ago and for Ky to have an “okay” relationship with T.O.P, has always been a bit heartbreaking for me. I just wanted them to have the same relationship I did.
My relationship with my dad was a good one. When you saw one of us, the other wasn’t too far behind; ESPECIALLY at a track meet. We had our moments–mostly during my tween/teenage years–where we would fight and argue. But let there be a track & field meet come on; it was like we never fought! We bonded over our love for track; breaking down my events and how to run them (but if you were a Bronx/Clinton girl, the only way to run was to get out and run til you died!).
That was my buddy.
And this Father’s Day, I just missed him. A lot.
My 30th is approaching and all I could think about was everything we would and have missed out on: graduations, births, weddings, calling me an old lady on my 30th…
And, yes I know he’s looking down…and all the happy spiritual things we say to make people feel better. But that doesn’t negate the fact that he’s not here; not in the physical.
And my fear for Ky is that she would never feel THAT loved, not even by me.
I struggle so much to give her more of me. My dad was like a superhero. He would work all night, wake my brother and I up for our meets when he got home, spend all day running back and forth during the meet (because he just HAD to speak to everyone!), get home to sleep for 2hrs, and head right back to work for another 10+hr shift. He did that just about every weekend for several years; coached us during the week and meets on the weekend–and if you know anything about track meets, you know they’re an ALL day, ALL weekend thing. That was love to me: to make that much time for your kids (even when they were brats–I’m referring to my brother mostly). I can barely talk to Ky for an hour before needing another nap. And I know I shouldn’t be that upset because it’s just me, but I feel like that’s all the reason why I should be giving more.
And because of all these obsessive thoughts and feelings of guilt, I cried into some beer on my friends’ patio (my dad would have been proud of the fact I drink beer by the way…probably not about the fact it was a Blue Moon tho. Lol!). Because I missed him and knew I could never be that for Ky.
Just like every Father’s Day, Ky came home with some Father’s Day project she made at school. And I debated if this would be the year I would mail it to T.O.P or not. She’s never made a big deal of giving them to him and so I never push the idea. I kept the first one she made for months in hopes he would stop by for it (since he wasn’t “living” anywhere per se). But nothing. I ended up throwing it away.
Now we have a 4th one and I want to throw it away. Mainly because I forgot [and so has Ky], but also because why does he need one?? For the first two years of her life…or even him acknowledging her, he didn’t have a name…a title. I’m not even sure now if he likes being called “daddy”; even for me, I’m JUST getting used to her calling me “mommy” (she caught herself calling me her “sister” the other day and I did NOT take to well to that!). And this is in no way me acting bitter. I’m just wondering if this is a thing. There’s no handbook for this: do part time “parents” get celebrated?? I keep a majority of my Mother’s Day gifts because they’re important to me; I worked damn hard not to be celebrated!
Maybe it’s just me being my obsessive self. But you tell me what you think. I still have it; a month later and he should be at her birthday party (to be discussed on an upcoming post!) in a week.
Do I give it to him?
Or throw it away?