So you remember that one time I said something about online dating sucking horribly and backing away from it somewhere here?
Yea. I should also tell you that I lie….often. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like a tick. I can’t help it!
Well since Ky was away for part of last summer, I thought maybe that would make it easier to go out on dates.
Easier, yes. Enjoyable, meh.
Well I met and went on dates with 2 guys last summer. Darryl I met online; Henry at my part time job. And all I could think is, what would be a better story to tell: We met online or he asked me out because he liked the way I cussed?
Maybe I should elaborate.
Darryl was cool. Regular. Not someone I thought I would date because….well…my taste in guys is horrible. Ha! But he was a good regular, I guess. We met on one of those horrible “dating” sites and exchanged numbers. We texted, we talked on the phone, added each other on Facebook, went on dates….and that’s pretty much it. I wish I had something more interesting to say about dates with him, but I don’t. I just really felt like we were on a middle school date half the time. Holding hands awkwardly. Doing the “yawn and stretch over” to my shoulders. See, I totally don’t deserve a guy that would go straight middle schooler moves for me. Anywho, we had pretty decent conversations. And he was a believer; which was nice. I don’t know what I was looking for in him, but whatever IT was, I just didn’t see or feel it with him. So I did the mature thing: ghosted him.
Yeah, yeah, I’m a horrible person.
I plan on being a better grown-up this year.
Now Henry….Henry was the first white guy I’ve ever dated. So automatically I’m thinking “Yes good credit! Let me ruin your life in a good way tho!” (Again I don’t know what’s wrong with me). But we met at my part time job; where I freely cussed like a sailor because I deal with children and am forced to say positive things all day. And my phrase “fucking fuck fuck” was so impressive, that he bought me lunch that day. Ha!
But what was wrong with Henry, right? Nothing. I just wasn’t that into him either. I thought I saw myself as this super open minded, race doesn’t matter, if-he’s-cute-he-can-get-it type of person. But in dating Henry, I just didn’t feel that way.
Both of these guys were gentlemen….for the most part–my generation still has a lot to work on –and most girls wouldn’t mind a guy treating them the way they had treated me. But all I could think was why couldn’t we just hang out instead of it turning into something more? And how would they be with Ky if given the chance?
I know yall! What the hell is wrong with me?! People date in hopes of being in a relationship and Ky is only 2; she may not even remember them!
But I think two things happened when I went on these “dates”: Serial Dating needs to be a thing for me and Dating has nothing to do with me anymore.
Serial Dating: When I went on a date with these guys, I wasn’t looking for anything “romantic-wise“; nothing physically, sexually…nothing like that. I just really wanted to get out of the house. My kid was away; I should be out playing! But I know for a fact, Darryl wanted something I wasn’t ready for. And with Henry, he was very-go-with-the-flow –which I appreciated! However…he did want more of my time than I was willing to give once Ky had returned and school started back up. It’s been me and Ky for the last couple of the years and before that, I was barely on my own. I value my “me time”. Even more so now being a mother!
I think serial dating is given a bad rap because my generation is doing everything BUT dating. What is so wrong about going out with someone you find attractive, has some qualities you like, but not want anything sexually with them? Can I not just enjoy your company and go about my life after?? Maybe not for some folks. But for me, I don’t get breaks from motherhood. Those rare times someone hits the pause button for me, just so I can enjoy myself, I would love for it to be with someone whose company I enjoy and is not trying to get anything by the end of the night from me.
There is nothing wrong with just going out with someone without it turning into a relationship. If you don’t date, how will you know what you want? Date different people, as often as you can, and don’t be a slave to the idea of dating leading to a relationship.
It’s Not About Me: Once I get out of this phase of Serial Dating and find myself dating with intentionality, I’m always going to have this question in the back of my mind: “What about Ky?” Ky and I are a packaged deal. I will always have to date with her in mind. How she will be treated? How she will be loved? Her feelings. Any guy who I decide to bring around, has to adore Ky, respect her, can be stern with her, but ultimately love her.
Henry was ok with meeting Ky; mainly because it meant we got to spend more time together. But me, I didn’t feel comfortable doing that. How do I tell her who he is after just a month of dating? I mean, she calls her T.O.P “The Boy in the Car” because that’s what she sees and I don’t know how to tell her he’s the “D-word” (shoot, I don’t even know if HE wants to be acknowledged that way!).
But when is the right time for your kid to meet the guy you’re dating? I told my best friend once that any guy I’m dating wouldn’t be able to meet Ky for a year (Yea, I’m laughing at my answer now too). That’s not realistic, I know. But all the precautions mothers–even women in general– have to take when they date nowadays, makes dating hard, scary even. My hopes is that any “monsters” in his closet would at least peep their heads within a year.
I think my big takeaway from last summer is to be honest with myself and the guys I choose to date. If I just want to date, tell them that. And I can try all I want, but there will never be a good time to introduce a guy to my kid. I’m just going to have to go with my instincts on that one…
But I’m pretty sure they’re on vacation until further notice…