…giving yourself a break

Hey folks!

So I’ve had one helluva crazy past couple of weeks. Ky came down with the flu AND pneumonia. When I tell you I was freaking the fuck out…

I feel like I haven’t slept in 2 weeks, and that might be pretty accurate. It was so scary seeing her so helpless, so sick and I just sat and worried the entire time. I didn’t know what to do? I kept calling my mom and asking her if I should go ahead and take her to the hospital or something.

Thank GOD she’s well now and the antibiotics helped. But I couldn’t help but feel like I was missing something…my motherly intuition.

Well maybe I’m not missing it. I’m just disappointed I didn’t act on it when I thought something was wrong. Looking back on the week, everyone else saw the signs and I didn’t.

Ky’s teachers noticed she was acting strange at daycare, friends commented that she was clingier than usual, even my mom thought something was up with her (and she lives all the way in NY!).

So how in the hell did I miss it?!

Tiredness, I guess. Feeling disconnected, maybe. I really don’t know.

I mean, I saw the signs myself! Even when it got bad, I was second guessing whether I should make the trip to the hospital. Daggone google told me she had pneumonia! And still I sat there worried and watching her instead.

Can we say guilt-ridden?

I mean granted this is the FIRST time something like this has happened. I really didn’t know what to do or how to react. BUT, that’s when I should have acted on my intuition, right? I shouldn’t feel guilty for not piecing the signs together….right?

Sidebar: Is there some mommy intuition, 101 class or something I could attend?!

I will say, I’m still finding that fine line of being the overly protective mom and the mom who knows kids will be kids…but dammit it’s hard. How do you even being to find that balance?! I started off strong; wanting to follow doctor recommendations and whatnot. But working in a childcare setting, a school, and being raised in a black home…I just basically threw my hands up and said “let’s just wing this!”

I did find some solace in handling this because I know the type of person I am; I needed to. I think us moms are always going to worry. And me being a master worry-wart, I need to find ways to cope so I’m not as sleep-deprived and stressed.

I resorted to 4 things:

Yoga: I so far have not enjoyed one yoga class…until I signed up for an online one (check it out here!). Since I couldn’t go to the gym, it was the perfect way to keep me calm for awhile when Ky slept and pause for breaks when I needed to check on her.

Write: I’m reliving my elementary school days and started back writing in a more personal journal (I love yall, but I know what I can and cannot say on here!). I’m finding out there are so many ways of journaling and really testing them all to see which one I stick with that longest. But it gave me the opportunity to be more honest with myself about what I’m feeling in the moment (you remember all the cussing out you wish you could do to yo mama in your diary, right?! Something like that.).

Mindless Distraction: This is just my usual go to. Always involves random scrolling of my FaceBook and Instagram (shout to @theshaderoom!) feeds or catching up on shows. When I sit down with my thoughts it always goes to somewhere negative. A mindless distraction helps me cope with that.

Prayer: I feel like this is a given. I just wanted my Ky to feel better. As much as I prayed for her, I prayed for myself. I prayed that I wouldn’t be hard on myself on this mothering thing. Things happen. It’s flu season. There are things I have no control over. And I have to be ok with that. Just continue to give my best and do what I can for Ky. Even if that meant she slept in my bed and got to rub my belly as much as she wanted (still weird to me, but whatever!).

I know this won’t be the last time Ky will have me worrying about her, but I pray to God it never gets serious like that ever again.

Besides I rather worry about her becoming homecoming queen or getting into her no.1 college choice instead.

Here’s to hoping!

*cheers*

-Ash