Posted in Uncategorized

…letting insecurities go (almost)

Hey folks!

Long time. No post!

I’ve been absolutely horrible with this blogging thing. Like I promise I had all the free time in the world – or so I thought – to write…But, Life.

I digress.

Today I write about concurring my body issues. Or at least a step in that direction.

At first, I didn’t think I had any. I mean not since homecoming anyway (read about it here). I thought I went through – what I assume to be – what most moms go through: “Oh, my tummy’s too big!” “None of my clothes look flattering” “I’ve really gained 10lbs!” “My ass is getting big”…

Wait, uh, no…I’m pretty excited about that last one and pray Zumba and squats keep blessing me!

But you get what I’m saying. I wasn’t comfortable in my body. I mean I don’t really dress up or anything for me to notice. But then I did. I gained about 15lbs and 2 sizes in bottoms (which, again, I want God to know, I AM NOT COMPLAINING!). I couldn’t fit any of my bottoms for the summer and I JUST bought them last summer! I legit had to only wear skirts, dresses, real loose fitting rompers and like two pairs of jeans because I had a muffin. Ya know…the gut fat spilling over the suffocated button trying to hold all 15lbs it never signed up for.

That muffin.

And I was embarassed.

I guess I hadn’t really looked at myself in the mirror in awhile because it’s there! I’ve seen it! That ole bloated, spewing, poking gut of mine. It’s alive and jigglin.

And then I refused to wear  any of my small – now smedium – tops because 1) of course, they don’t fit but, 2) they look like they should be worn by Ky now.

Was I really that small ever in life?

Only medium-large, over-sized shirts and ass accentuating bottoms for me this summer.

I couldn’t possibly be seen at the beach and risk being social medialized by some camera happy family member. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself to look and allow someone to tag me like this.

You see the mess that goes through my head?!

I legit couldn’t feel “sexy” about myself because the thought of my gut seriously disgusted me.

Ok, maybe it’s not a gut, gut…maybe postpartum weight my body hadn’t rid of…maybe it was gas…or maybe its the 3 beers I have every night.

Whatever it is, it’s gross and needs to disappear.

 

But how do/did I get over it?

I did something about it! Duh! Bought myself a gym membership and started…about a month ago (*cue shmoney dance mid sit-up*).

I know it’s a short period of time but I already started feeling better about myself. No, I didn’t lose anything – and yes, my ass is still in tack  (THANK GOD!). But I know that because I was making an effort on my part. THAT was progress. THAT was a start. and that step I’m very proud of.

And what about the beach? Did I wear a one piece? Sweated it out in a cover-up? Opted out for a t-shirt and shorts?

Nah.

I just ate light and used, Ky as my stomach shield. See? Progress! Ha!

 

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– Ash

Author:

30. Single Mom. Teacher. Procrastinator. Lazy Maid. Personal Preschooler Cook. Born & Raised in NY. Existing Somewhere in NC.

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