Posted in Uncategorized

…wanting to be free

Lately I’ve missed my freedom. Not that I had much to be free about.. But just the mere fact that I could have gone wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted…without the responsibilities of a child.

Is that wrong?

It’s not that I miss the party scene – although leaving the house at midnight and not getting back until sunrise sounded fun prior to Ky – or hanging out with my “friends”. But I just wish I could have been doing more before having her…just to, ya know, get it out of my system.

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“Oh Ashley, that’s horrible! Do you regret having Ky then?”

Is it bad that I do, sometimes?

Oooooh, so taboo: A mother admitting to the regret of having children.

I don’t understand why I can’t regret having her and still love her at the same time…can that not be a thing?

Let me explain and then you can be the judge all you want, wit yalls ole judgin behinds.

I’ve said it before that I didn’t see myself having a child until I was with someone who was ready to have one with me and marry me. But until that happened, I saw myself trying to find myself in my career for a bit (like most millennials), traveling/road-tripping, dating, doing workout classes, exploring different religions, doing side hustle jobs just because, getting meaningless piercings/tattoos, and just ya know, enjoying my 20s.

I just miss the attempts of enjoying my 20s. The partying – although Homecoming has CLEARLY shown me that I’ve outgrown that. The road trips – with my lack of car AND car payments – with family and friends. The freedom of just “get up and go”. That. That is what I miss most.Image result for freedom

I can’t do that anymore. There is no leaving my problems. No ignoring of other persons. There’s no such thing as sleeping away your responsibilities when you’re a mom. And if you do, you’re labeled as a horrible one. If you say you want to, you’re labeled as an ungrateful one.

Mother. Hood. Is. HARD.

Especially single motherhood. And it’s draining. And most days I wish I had my freedom before Ky. Or at least got to experience what that meant for me. Before Ky, freedom to me was walking around my apartment naked and online shopping natural hair subscription boxes. But who knows what could have developed from there? I just wish I could have a conversation on the phone without screaming at my kid to stop being a toddler for 2secs or just be awake enough to say something other than “Ummhmm”, “Yea”, “Wow”, “That’s crazy”.

So yes, sometimes I regret having a child when and how I did. I know I had other options. But I saw those as cop outs for me. For me, for the irresponsible decisions I made and who I made it with, there was only one choice for me.

HOWEVER, I love my sassy, dancing, curious, protective, no-ing, tantrum throwing, inappropriate, well-behaved-in-public, dog loving, baby loving, all belly baby girl. She has completely made me over. I don’t know what I would do without her. She makes life that much more special and amazing and real. Like it still amazes me to even fathom the fact that I carried and birthed her into this world, help sustain her life with my body, and watch her develop this amazing lovable personality. It blows my mind. Still.

So yes, sometimes I regret having Ky…and selfishly so, I know. Only because I wish I could experience what some of you single/dating/childless people are going through. It makes me think that I haven’t done much so far in my life. And I have to admit, it wears on my mind…A LOT.

But I am also grateful to have my Ky.

And I know I said I wouldn’t give any advice on here…but take this one for now: Do NOT feel guilty about wanting your freedom back. Those feelings are real and justified. Do NOT let someone “mom shame” you about it either, because I’m absolutely sure all -and if not all, then definitely some single ones – moms have thought about it at one point or another. It’s natural.

Scary thought, huh? Your mom thinking about all the freedom she had before you. But before you continue judging, think about all your mom had to give up to raise you, how much of herself she poured into motherhood, how little she had to think of herself so the family could thrive (or just so you could). All of that wears on one’s mentality. IMG_2280

I’m not sure about other moms, but I feel like it’s a punishment I willingly put myself through for the love of my daughter. And it wears on my emotional state, my mentality every…day…moreso than I care to admit…moreso than I wish it did…

But, hey, that’s what I signed up for, right?

 

-Ash

Author:

30. Single Mom. Teacher. Procrastinator. Lazy Maid. Personal Preschooler Cook. Born & Raised in NY. Existing Somewhere in NC.

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