I don’t know how folks…women…single moms….do it.
But somehow I am, and I’m always amazed when I get through the day without losing it.
Well the last couple of days, I have…I’ve ended the day in full blown tears. Just balling…when the day is over…and I finally have time to breathe…or in this case, cry.
I honestly don’t know.
I’m trying to find a reason that I would have bottled in and that would eventually make me explode the way I did. And I can’t find it. I can’t pinpoint any one thing.
I’ve been rocking this single mom thing. Ky’s happy, she appears happy with others, is fed (because I actually cook these days…shocking!), and I mean…there’s not much going on in that department. I have bills, I have the necessities, I speak to my family and friends sometimes (when I’m not too tired), and I entertain myself with trash tv (well trash laptop/iPad; I don’t have a tv Lol)…just normal life. I’m in good health. I have a job; it could be better but…eh…my coworkers and students make showing up worthwhile.
And still I ended these days in full tears. Just crying as soon as the water hits me. I want to say motherhood has taken a toll on me – as expected – but it’s been doing that from conception! Nothing new there, except Ky is getting older and rowdier. I love my Ky, don’t get me wrong…but if I trip over her (or one of her God forsaken toys) in the kitchen again, I’m going to chuck everything out the window (not Ky, of course…I need her for my taxes…Ha! Kidding!).
Jokes. It’s how I have to cope.
And wine. Oh delicious wine.
But just the littlest things are getting to me and I can’t figure out why. I mean I just had a break from mommyhood duties and teaching in December. And then we had an extra three days because of the snow. I should be recharged until Spring Break.
Is it bad to take so many breaks from your child? Like I envy those mothers who actually get along with their sperm do…I’m sorry, kids’ fathers and he picks the kid up on the weekends, giving her a break. Or they have family nearby that they can always drop them off with. Like ugh! Bump your co-parenting! Bump your ability to live near your relatives!
But here I was…am…crying uncontrollably; trying to make phone calls to anyone I think will really listen…and that was awake at 1am.
And then I get through to one person, the person I didn’t think to call first…my mom.
Quick backstory of my mom and I: we didn’t get along so much during and after my teen years. It wasn’t until the time I graduated, moved out here, and got my first electric bill, did we get along; mainly because now we had something in common! But now that I have Ky, our bond has grown even more.
And I didn’t think to call her first. Maybe because I don’t remember ever seeing her cry over much – except sappy movies – or because I was afraid she may tell me to suck it up for that reason.
But she picked up….at 1am…to a sobbing me saying “I couldn’t do this anymore”…that I wanted to just lock myself away and cry until I had no tears left…that I was tired…and life was too much…that I didn’t want to be a mom anymore…I don’t want to teach anymore….I just feel sad all the time…all of it was hard…
And she stayed on the phone with me; long enough for me to vent as much as I needed…and then in true Ashley form, joke until I felt better and could sleep.
Ever since I started this journey I feel like I don’t get to do that; vent, be sad, want to give up…not in public, or to others anyway. I have to…rather, I choose to put on this act – and I’m hella good at it – just so people won’t take pity on me. I don’t think anyone would understand that maybe in that moment all I wanted to do was say the things I couldn’t say out loud with out getting that look; the look that says “I wish I knew what to say” or “It will all be ok” or “God’s got you”. I know all of this! But some days it doesn’t feel that way. Some days I’m tired of holding on, pushing forward. Some days I feel like my prayers aren’t going anywhere. Some days I just don’t feel ok! And I have to feel this way teaching other people’s kids and raising my own. It’s exhausting emotionally and mentally.
So some days I am going to explode…I will need to explode. In full blown tears. With a glass of wine. With nothing triggering it, at all. And in those moments, I will know exactly who to vent to. Without judgment. Without the look. With all ears.