I debated going into this topic only because Ky’s T.O.P (The Other Person) and I haven’t always seen eye-to-eye and I really don’t want to paint him in a negative light.
So keep that in mind while I still go forth with this anyway, K?
When I pictured myself having kids (like in my 30s or something), I pictured having it all together: the fiance/husband, the house, the career. And I so looked forward to sharing the experience of my pregnancy with whoever “he” was. In other words, I didn’t expect to be doing it alone…
My final clue – because let’s face it, I had A BUNCH of them – that I would probably be doing this parenting thing on my own was when I told T.O.P that I was pregnant and his response was the typical one: “Soooo what are you going to do?” Not we, just me. My choice.
So I took the 9mos to prepare myself with coming to terms with that thought: I’m doing this alone. I went to doctor appointments and parenting classes by myself, but still updating him on almost everything. The last time I saw him was when I was about 5, 6mos pregnant and he was still hesitant – or maybe in denial – about the whole thing.
Then he FaceTimed Ky after she was born.
He didn’t really acknowledge her as his and that was fine with me because he didn’t know her to claim her.
At this point, I know most women would be going off, cussin him out, calling him every name in the book, getting the courts involved and so on…And yea, I did all of that too! Lol! But not for everyone or him to hear. During this time, I was praying more and channeled whatever anger I had into prayer. I didn’t see the sense in getting angry with someone who just wasn’t ready to come to terms with reality, his new reality. What good would any of that do for me to be this angry black female? I refused to be that bitter ass baby mama. For what? That’s what my friends were for: hate him while I take care of my kid, will ya?
But what I wasn’t going to let him do is completely disregard that there was a child in the picture, my child, whether he wanted to claim her or not. And I wasn’t going to act like I had her alone and pay for everything alone. It wasn’t fair to my family. Granted, I knew they wanted to help and it didn’t bother them to, but it just wasn’t right of me to ask just because I was embarrassed and too prideful to ask him for help.
Why was I embarrassed, you ask? Because I told him, in my very hormonal-ly pregnant state, that I did not need him; I can do it on my own (didn’t you see that coming?! Because you totally know me by now, ha!).
Well, I spoke with family and friends – and of course they would give me the “HELL YEA!” – and I filed for child support.
Oh, he did NOT like that.
And I couldn’t care any less, because at that moment it wasn’t about me. It was about Ky. I was still right, I didn’t need him, but my…his daughter, did. And I wasn’t about to let him mess with my Ky and get away with it.
But I think it gave him the push he needed; however annoyed, angry, pissed off he may have been (I don’t know for sure). I think he finally realize how much of an ass he was being (don’t worry, I tell him that to his face now 😀 ).
After not appearing for our court dates and not being able to contact him, they dropped my case completely. But he wanted a DNA test and of course I was fully open to it…but I wasn’t going to set it up. My thought was “YOU want it, YOU set it up”. And I in no way wanted this to be delivered in a bitter way.
Well he scheduled the DNA and came by my friend’s house (who I was staying with at the time) to see Ky for the first time. She was 14mos.
And it was awkward as hell. All I wanted to do was cuss him out in several languages and tell him what he could do with his triflin self. But like that mature person I try to pretend to be, I made small talk…updated him on Ky’s doings…asked about his (ya know, to be nosey, just in case!)…and that was that.
Well the results came back and surprise, surprise, I wasn’t a liar!
Who would have thunk it?! *hard eye roll inserted here*
Since then, T.O.P. has actually stepped up! It’s only been 3 or so months, but he calls her on FaceTime when he’s out of town and visits when he’s around. They play, watch YouTube videos, read books, give kisses…he even went all out for Christmas….it’s actually been…..nice. Their relationship, I mean. I’m choosing to be an ass until further notice because I have some catching up to do….rightfully so!
But that’s all I really wanted: for him to have a relationship with her. Of course she has plenty of male figures in her life, but they will never really be her….dad.
My relationship with my dad was your typical one, I suppose: we loved each other, fought sometimes, bonded…but EVERYONE knew when they saw me, they saw him…they still do. Not to say I didn’t have a relationship with my mom, but I had a special bond with my dad that no one could ever replace.
I’d love that for Ky and T.O.P.
And I’m so thankful they’re off to a beautiful start.