….getting over insecurities

It’s HOMECOMING YALL!

Well…it WAS Homecoming!

I’m always excited to rep my alma mater (all red everything…every day, all day, with championship rings on!). So I gathered up some courage to ask my friends to watch Ky for the weekend (a WHOLE WEEKEND “/). And thankfully, they accepted.

I had my second child-free weekend since entering mommyhood. It was surely overdue. And although I had gotten over feeling guilty about leaving Ky yet again, I realized I had another issue.

I didn’t feel sexy these days. I mean yea, I dressed in my little [sometime] cutesy outfits for work and appeared professional for the most part, but I hadn’t had a time where I dressed up, up with heels and makeup and everything. And you know, I wanted to be noticed!

And since having Ky, I’ve just been lazy. I don’t really do my hair often (I mean I attempt to pic out my fro but that’s a struggle within itself), I’m not going to go into detail about the last time I’ve shaved, gotten a pedi- or manicure, or really have gone shopping for myself that had nothing to do with work. Between being a single mom to a VERY active toddler and the demands of being a teacher, my weekends – or any ‘free’ time – consisted of  sleep, Netflix, Pinterest, or working my second job.

But I guess I didn’t realized that I had insecurities about the way I looked until I tried on outfit after outfit, spending money I honestly didn’t have on getting more outfits (I promise online shopping is the devil), and seeking the approval of my friends and family to boost up my confidence to wear something I felt good in

I was nervous about going out for whatever reason. I know it sounds silly, but I felt like the frumpy mama trying to live her youthful days for the weekend. And I was going out with women who oozed so much confident in what they wore, how they walked, how they interacted with others. I just didn’t know how I was going to deal; to fit in.

But I did. I dealt with embracing what motherhood gave me. And, I mean, it wasn’t much; but I found something in me that just said “JUST. DON’T. CARE.”

Ever since I’ve become a mom, I just had to stop caring about anything that didn’t benefit my daughter and I. And although this weekend had little to do with ‘caring’ in that aspect, I did have to apply that concept here. I had to embrace ‘sexy’ how I perceived it to be at this point in my life. Not caring what others thought, but truly being okay with the skin I’m in. I’ll work my way back up to loving it…eventually. But for now, I just had to be comfortable for me and play dress up like I had been yearning to do!

And oh how I’ve missed dressing up!

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I am so glad that through motherhood I found a new sense of what sexiness means to me. And I don’t mean through wearing seductive-esque outfits. But just having the confidence to really not give a fuck and enjoy my damn self! Because that’s honestly all I wanted. Dress up, enjoy myself, and forget my mama title for the weekend.

Eh 2 out of 3… I still call that an accomplishment.

-Ash