…being unsure

Hey folks!

Thought I’d record (and vent) about my mommyhood adventures since I like to procrastinate doing lesson plans and all : )

Let’s begin…

I have a 13mo old girl named Ky. And she was definitely an…um…”unexpected” gift.

When I found out I was pregnant, I went through all the normal stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. 

Denial

For a good portion of my life, my cycle was always fickle. But that didn’t stop me from playing Russian Roulette with my life, sadly. Well this time, I didn’t feel quite as well and it may have had something to do with not seeing my period for about a month (but it skipped months before, so…). There was no way, at 25, with no car, barely starting my teaching career, living in an “expensive” studio apartment, and no saving account with a dime to my name, could I be pregnant. Like that was a joke…shoot the person I was doing it with was a joke (but that’s another story, for another post!).

 

 I took two different tests, both positive, and all I could think was, “Yea, but this isn’t a doctor. So….”

 

 

 

 

Anger

But then I met with a doctor and his first thought was to tell me “Congratulations!”

Dear Doctors,

Don’t assume all women are excited to be pregnant. K? K!

I was beyond pissed. Like how in the hell could this happen.

Ok, bare with me…I’m going to be future Ashley, talking to then Ashley (keep up).

“Well let’s see…I’m going to assume that because you didn’t use a condom, or birth control, or just couldn’t say ‘No!’ and leave him alone liked we practiced in the mirror for weeks….might have something to do with us being here, sweetie.”

Yea..that might be it.

Bargaining

So like before this, I was trying to get back on my Christian Walk and I was doing great…in NY…but when I moved…let’s just say it just wasn’t as easy. And I just kept slipping….and slipping….and slipping…and you get the point…

Well I took this “might-be-pregnancy” – because let’s face it, everybody didn’t know my body enough to tell me I was pregnant with all their stupid science and technology stuff – as a sign that God was extremely pissed off with me. And with all reasons. But still I went to him and tried to bargain.

“God, if you let me not be pregnant right now, I will soooo go to church for you! Like the whole nine…bible study, all 15 services on Sunday, join ministries after ministries. Just don’t let me be knocked up like this! Like you play TOO much. This isn’t even funny!” 

Depression

Well, when I realized how much God may have laughed out loud at my prayers and I was going through morning sickness and some serious fatigue, I fell into a depression. Didn’t answer phone calls for anything. Like I hadn’t told but 5 people that I was maybe 3mos pregnant and I come from a Caribbean family (i.e. a family of like 3495 members and that’s only in the states). My students were suffering-ish (I mean they’re 4 & 5yrs old, they would be fine either way). My teaching was suffering because of first year teaching pressures and anxiety. And no one at work knew. I just wanted to crawl in a fetal position and sleep through this nightmare. Who could I even  talk to about this? What will people think? I was crying just about everyday because I just KNEW I would be doing this alone. And on a teacher salary at that. With no car. In a studio apartment. With only a dime to my name. I didn’t know what else to do but isolate myself, and drink ginger ale (because in my mind it was sparkling wine), and hope & pray that whatever I ate wouldn’t come up. 

Acceptance

By the time I was able to make an appointment for an OB-GYN, I was 16 weeks, had no prenatal care, nervous as hell because I hadn’t made a choice about what to do and I was terrified. I could have a life growing inside of me and had no plans of how I was going to take care of it. 

But here’s the strange thing about plans and God: He’s already made them. I could have done everything to the T and this may have happened anyway. Who knows? What I do know is when I prayed one last time, sincerely asking Him what to do, He told me to trust Him. That night I felt something so strange, like fluttering gas bubbles in my stomach that caused me to panic. Finally seeing an OB-GYN, I heard Ky’s heartbeat for the first time. And the doctor told me she was moving and that’s what I was feeling the night before. 

I was going to be a mom. Such a strange thing to roll off the tongue at first. But I accepted the title and everything that came with it. Worry. Uncertainty. Love. Laughter. Wisdom. Stupidity. Frustration. Strength. And so much more. 

 The beginning of our journey together hasn’t been all peachy (still isn’t now, some days) but I know if I keep putting my trust in Him and keep laughing/smiling/pushing/crying through this journey, I’ll never be doing this mommy thing alone. 

Ever.

Come along and enjoy the ride with us : )

-Ash